Day 40 - And oh how much has changed.

I say much has changed, what I really mean is everything has gotten a whole lot worse as well as a mild sight better.

Let me begin.

Today marked day 40 of my...what do I call it? Diet? Obsession? I don't know.
All I know is that ever since I started writing down every single calorie that I put into my mouth into my small blue book I have been obsessing over it, to the point of crying if my mother insists on me eating anything more, of panicking and breaking down if any meal has over 500 calories.
Sure, since I started I have lost a much needed to lose 15 pounds, but with the mental anguish I am even more of a mess than I was before I lost any weight.
For 40 days I have been eating about 1,500 calories a day, (an alright amount so stick to, after all an adult needs approx. 2000 to maintain their weight, and for the size that I am it would only be justified by me eating about 4000 a day.) due to this weight should just drop off, right?

Wrong.

For the first week I lost almost 9 pounds, then? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero. For 20 fucking days. Every single day sticking to it exactly, constantly paranoid, weighing myself every time I went upstairs, sometimes 4 times in a row, eventually having to hide the scales in the conservatory (which only lasted a day because I couldn't bear it.)
It was horrible to say the least.

Eventually I decided if nothing was happening perhaps I needed to change my eating times, which thankfully worked. See, I was eating a small breakfast (2 pieces of crustless toast with tuna, only 50 calories per piece + 115 for the tuna) a sandwich for lunch and then waiting 7 hours until my mother got home for dinner, by which time I was moody, on the verge of crying and read to start a fight with anyone, causing me to eat a fair amount for tea instead of throughout the day.

So now I eat the same amount of calories, except spread out throughout the day, breakfast (still tuna on toast), apple at break time, apple and pretzels or sesame seed snaps for lunch, sandwich when I get home, early less that 500 calorie tea and then a snack of 97 calorie squares and a 134 calorie Aero Mousse in the evening. The best thing to come out of this is probably the fact that I can only eat about half of what I used to, tonight managing to eat a piece and a half of chicken for tea because I liked the chicken better than the rice, ate it all, over-estimated how much I could eat and ended up not able to eat any rice.

I have friends with eating problems. I'm not comparing myself to them because I'm a whole different kettle of fish, but I'm scared. I'm scared of telling anyone of how I have memorized over 100 foods calorie count, I'm scared that one of them is going to find my little blue book and read the back of every single page that religiously has every day's weight scribbled down on the back, I'm worried that because I'm not thin like them that they wouldn't even believe how depressed I get every single time I'm alone with my own thoughts.

For example, about 30 minutes ago a friend who I'm convinced doesn't even have a legitimate ED said (when I asked him about who he left school early and he replied with 'cramps') "No offense love, you don't even understand, you don't have an eating disorder, you wouldn't know what it's like." After he said this I asked him what it was; ana? mia? EDNOS? I practically live on Tumblr's thinspo pages. (that's how vile I am. I know how horrible it is and yet I'm still looking.) I said something perfectly correct and he told me to 'do some proper research.' Wow. Thanks. Just because I'm fat means I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about? Fine.

Do I deserve to feel so exiled? I don't know. One friend would never understand, one is suffering in her own way and pushing others away, one is too busy with other things, and the rest I'm just scared to talk to about anything.

I don't mention anything of my life outside of school to my 'friends', how my grandfather is beyond help and we're just waiting, how my grandmother who is the most amazing woman in the world has to live with him being abusive while dealing with a crippled life, how my sister is a manic depressive and threatens to kill herself every other day, how my mother gets so angry with everything that I'm the only on she can shout at, how much I hate myself a little bit more everyday and can't really handle school or exams.

Yep, everything has gotten a whole lot worse as well as a mild sight better. Apart for the 'mild sight better' part.