happy (depressing) new (almost) year!

It is currently 11:13pm and I am lying in the ancient  floral sheets of a bed in one of the many spare rooms in my grandparents house. I am staying overnight to be with my Junie, my grandfather Jackie is back in hospital after falling and hitting his head, and since he isn't here and my grandmother doesn't need looking after the carers have been given New Year off to go to London, therefore I'm staying with her in the massive empty house because I adore the ground she walks on. I'm here as a distraction for her. I can tell how upset she is, she has been on and off for months, feeling helpless as he refuses to eat or move anymore.

I undertand.

I'm definately not going to sleep as the house creeps my out and I have a ridiculous amount of work to do. I'm going to write my English coursework and then I'm going to mark a few Biology papers.

I was just thinking, I hope new year will be better than the last one. I know it won't be. I wished for the same thing last year. I know some time in 2012 someone is going to die.

I know.

Internal Termoil.

I'm so sick of being jealous of everyone.

One of my friends is having a party of sorts, and has invited a certain other friend. Now, this other friend ("N") was invited to "B"'s party, along with people who aren't actually B's friends, but since they all went for a meal together (which I wasn't invited to) they all seem to be bff's. I am so not happy about this. I have been trying to be good friends with N for over 4 years and every attempt is thrown back at me and she seems to ignore my existence, as do the other people that have been invited to B's party.

However, the friends that actually make and effort and that B and I talk to on a daily basic are not invited, which makes me feel that B is just being a dick, and I am so fed up of people being dicks.

Anyway, N seems to be getting closer to a guy that I like, and I swear to god if they start a relationship I'm done. I'm never fucking touching a piece of food again because it's not worth it, if that's what I have to do to not feel like this then fine. I honestly don't care. I'm sick of people treating others like shit and I'm just generally not in the mood for any of them, with quickly dwindling patience for all of my "friends", very few seem to make any effort at all.


I'm done.

20 pounds.

The day has come, I have officially lost 20 pounds (unofficially 22, damn you inaccurate scales.) Merry dance, I'd say that was pretty good, even if it has take over 2 months but w/e.

Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought, when we went in the morning too put the turkey (and organic chicken for my uncle) in the oven we got a lot of abuse off of my grandfather, but when we went later he was upstairs and stayed there for the rest of the evening, which is alright I suppose, I adore spending time with my grandmother but usually when he is around we can't speak to her properly. The food was very nice and I managed to keep the food consumption to a normal level, even only making sure I ate 200 cals of the fruit syrup cake. yum. I then worked off 550 on my cycle machine at like 10pm which made everything even better.

Bought that for myself as a congratulations. Mwahaaha. I think it's pretty pretty & should arrive in 2 days.I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and will have a Happy New Year, god I can't wait for Sherlock! c:

Bones.

Well I'm sooo not looking forwards to tomorrow, but oh well. I've noticed that what I like to do if feel newly emerging bones. I lie in bed and feel my hip bones, or trace my fingers along my knuckles, nervously touch my collar bone. My favorite is seeing how big my bracelet is for me now while fiddling with my wrist bump. Is this weird? possibly. I don't mind, it's nice when I'm feeling down.

Nice.

Anyway, tomorrow I will be wearing the dress that I haven't worn since Halloween last year, hopefully it will look good. meh.

Day 69 (hahahhaa).

Okay, so I am attempting a change my eating plans (for like the 8th time. The one before now was more or less the same as Slimming World, which is really hard to stick to when out and about as all the 'free' foods (lean meat, pasta, boiled rice...) has to be cooked and takes a while when I'm busy, so I was having a ridiculous amount of fruit and yogurt.

So now I'm still writing down everything I eat (don't think I can stop to be honest), but I'm trying not to stress about calories too much. For example, today I ate some Chinese food, however thanks to my new spiffy cycle machine I worked the calories off after 2 hours. The only reason I can think of me not losing very much weight is that I have been so stressed and that is somehow affecting it. Oh well.

In other news Christmas is going to be the most depressing day ever, what's even worse is that the only carer that my grandparents could get for Christmas day is obnoxious and will be sitting with us at the table. Joy.

I'm good, I suppose. I just wish I could stop stressing about everything (and that I didn't have any reasons to stress), I'm just so scared that I won't even pass my A levels since I did horrifically badly in my English Lit mock and I have January Geography and Biology exams. eeep. The series finale of American Horror Story was epic though, really surprising twist but amazing, I definitely wasn't expecting Ben to die but w/e.

Anyway, hopefully everything will work out. If all else fails I'll go to college and die.

Life & AHS.

Well my grandfather is in hospital again. sigh. We took my grandmother to see him on Sunday and he looked awful, when I went outside to follow my mother we both started crying because he could hardly breathe. Then my grandmother kept apologizing to us because it is a lot of hassle getting her in and out of the wheelchair, but that really isn't a problem! He was only supposed to go in for observation. Ahh well, we'll just have to wait and see how it goes.

Point 2 is that I have discovered the joys of grilling things.

Point 3 is just to tell you of my new fangled obsession with American Horror Story, despite it being vulgar and mentally deranged, I love it. My reasons for loving it?

Alexandra Breckenridge

 

She plays one of my favorite characters Moira & is ridiculously gorgeous. I mean... seriously. I love red heads anyway but Jesus Christ just her face. I feel very sorry for the character of Moira and how she's trapped in the house, being treated nastily by Constance who still holds a grudge against her despite Moira being the one who should be holding the grudge. I'd be pissed if someone killed me and I never got to pass over with my dying mother, wouldn't you?

Evan Peters

Have some beautiful gif.'s of his face.

He plays the attractive yet oh-so-mental Tate Langdon. His character makes me battle with my own feelings considering how much I like him, however he is a murdering rapist - but he doesn't remember everything. Every AHS character is flawed and a little bit crazy, driven to horrible things because of the house, it's almost impossible to tell who is actually evil and who is just being controlled by the demon house. Deep sigh.

They used to date too before the show, freaky! I have to say that she is actually more attractive than he is...hahhaha.

 I also adore Lily Rabe and her character Nora. Nora is by far the most tragic of all of the characters, I feel so sorry for her every episode and how she just wants her baby back, protecting Tate when he was a boy from her deformed zombie experimented on monster child Thadeus.

She's so beautiful too. Sigh.

Anyhow, I've been meaning to finish this entry for about a week now, but my laptop is hardly working. Oh well, going to dye my hair purple now! x