happy (depressing) new (almost) year!

It is currently 11:13pm and I am lying in the ancient  floral sheets of a bed in one of the many spare rooms in my grandparents house. I am staying overnight to be with my Junie, my grandfather Jackie is back in hospital after falling and hitting his head, and since he isn't here and my grandmother doesn't need looking after the carers have been given New Year off to go to London, therefore I'm staying with her in the massive empty house because I adore the ground she walks on. I'm here as a distraction for her. I can tell how upset she is, she has been on and off for months, feeling helpless as he refuses to eat or move anymore.

I undertand.

I'm definately not going to sleep as the house creeps my out and I have a ridiculous amount of work to do. I'm going to write my English coursework and then I'm going to mark a few Biology papers.

I was just thinking, I hope new year will be better than the last one. I know it won't be. I wished for the same thing last year. I know some time in 2012 someone is going to die.

I know.

Internal Termoil.

I'm so sick of being jealous of everyone.

One of my friends is having a party of sorts, and has invited a certain other friend. Now, this other friend ("N") was invited to "B"'s party, along with people who aren't actually B's friends, but since they all went for a meal together (which I wasn't invited to) they all seem to be bff's. I am so not happy about this. I have been trying to be good friends with N for over 4 years and every attempt is thrown back at me and she seems to ignore my existence, as do the other people that have been invited to B's party.

However, the friends that actually make and effort and that B and I talk to on a daily basic are not invited, which makes me feel that B is just being a dick, and I am so fed up of people being dicks.

Anyway, N seems to be getting closer to a guy that I like, and I swear to god if they start a relationship I'm done. I'm never fucking touching a piece of food again because it's not worth it, if that's what I have to do to not feel like this then fine. I honestly don't care. I'm sick of people treating others like shit and I'm just generally not in the mood for any of them, with quickly dwindling patience for all of my "friends", very few seem to make any effort at all.


I'm done.

20 pounds.

The day has come, I have officially lost 20 pounds (unofficially 22, damn you inaccurate scales.) Merry dance, I'd say that was pretty good, even if it has take over 2 months but w/e.

Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought, when we went in the morning too put the turkey (and organic chicken for my uncle) in the oven we got a lot of abuse off of my grandfather, but when we went later he was upstairs and stayed there for the rest of the evening, which is alright I suppose, I adore spending time with my grandmother but usually when he is around we can't speak to her properly. The food was very nice and I managed to keep the food consumption to a normal level, even only making sure I ate 200 cals of the fruit syrup cake. yum. I then worked off 550 on my cycle machine at like 10pm which made everything even better.

Bought that for myself as a congratulations. Mwahaaha. I think it's pretty pretty & should arrive in 2 days.I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and will have a Happy New Year, god I can't wait for Sherlock! c:

Bones.

Well I'm sooo not looking forwards to tomorrow, but oh well. I've noticed that what I like to do if feel newly emerging bones. I lie in bed and feel my hip bones, or trace my fingers along my knuckles, nervously touch my collar bone. My favorite is seeing how big my bracelet is for me now while fiddling with my wrist bump. Is this weird? possibly. I don't mind, it's nice when I'm feeling down.

Nice.

Anyway, tomorrow I will be wearing the dress that I haven't worn since Halloween last year, hopefully it will look good. meh.

Day 69 (hahahhaa).

Okay, so I am attempting a change my eating plans (for like the 8th time. The one before now was more or less the same as Slimming World, which is really hard to stick to when out and about as all the 'free' foods (lean meat, pasta, boiled rice...) has to be cooked and takes a while when I'm busy, so I was having a ridiculous amount of fruit and yogurt.

So now I'm still writing down everything I eat (don't think I can stop to be honest), but I'm trying not to stress about calories too much. For example, today I ate some Chinese food, however thanks to my new spiffy cycle machine I worked the calories off after 2 hours. The only reason I can think of me not losing very much weight is that I have been so stressed and that is somehow affecting it. Oh well.

In other news Christmas is going to be the most depressing day ever, what's even worse is that the only carer that my grandparents could get for Christmas day is obnoxious and will be sitting with us at the table. Joy.

I'm good, I suppose. I just wish I could stop stressing about everything (and that I didn't have any reasons to stress), I'm just so scared that I won't even pass my A levels since I did horrifically badly in my English Lit mock and I have January Geography and Biology exams. eeep. The series finale of American Horror Story was epic though, really surprising twist but amazing, I definitely wasn't expecting Ben to die but w/e.

Anyway, hopefully everything will work out. If all else fails I'll go to college and die.

Life & AHS.

Well my grandfather is in hospital again. sigh. We took my grandmother to see him on Sunday and he looked awful, when I went outside to follow my mother we both started crying because he could hardly breathe. Then my grandmother kept apologizing to us because it is a lot of hassle getting her in and out of the wheelchair, but that really isn't a problem! He was only supposed to go in for observation. Ahh well, we'll just have to wait and see how it goes.

Point 2 is that I have discovered the joys of grilling things.

Point 3 is just to tell you of my new fangled obsession with American Horror Story, despite it being vulgar and mentally deranged, I love it. My reasons for loving it?

Alexandra Breckenridge

 

She plays one of my favorite characters Moira & is ridiculously gorgeous. I mean... seriously. I love red heads anyway but Jesus Christ just her face. I feel very sorry for the character of Moira and how she's trapped in the house, being treated nastily by Constance who still holds a grudge against her despite Moira being the one who should be holding the grudge. I'd be pissed if someone killed me and I never got to pass over with my dying mother, wouldn't you?

Evan Peters

Have some beautiful gif.'s of his face.

He plays the attractive yet oh-so-mental Tate Langdon. His character makes me battle with my own feelings considering how much I like him, however he is a murdering rapist - but he doesn't remember everything. Every AHS character is flawed and a little bit crazy, driven to horrible things because of the house, it's almost impossible to tell who is actually evil and who is just being controlled by the demon house. Deep sigh.

They used to date too before the show, freaky! I have to say that she is actually more attractive than he is...hahhaha.

 I also adore Lily Rabe and her character Nora. Nora is by far the most tragic of all of the characters, I feel so sorry for her every episode and how she just wants her baby back, protecting Tate when he was a boy from her deformed zombie experimented on monster child Thadeus.

She's so beautiful too. Sigh.

Anyhow, I've been meaning to finish this entry for about a week now, but my laptop is hardly working. Oh well, going to dye my hair purple now! x

Nothing much really...

Alright, so nothing new really. The only thing was yesterday I ate the first greasy thing in over 40 days and unfortunately I have been feeling the after effects since just before I tried to go to sleep last night. It feels like my intestine is trying to find it's way out of my body and rip it's way through my stomach. Not all that jolly.

No pressing issues are plaguing my brain at the minute, however it's not very nice when I think of how depressing it will be at Christmas. My aunty is going on holiday, as is my uncle, my other aunty lives in Hong Kong and sadly Jasmine (my most favouritest cousin) is going over there for the holidays.
Since everyone is away that means that this year, like the last, it will just be my mother, sister and I in a big empty house with my grandparents. And, like last year, my grandfather will most likely sleep through Christmas day or come downstairs and shout.

sigh.

So, after pouring my heart out to my best friend (one of two, the other being my cousin.) she was incredibly supportive and told me to talk to her whenever I need to. I then later got a text off of her boyfriend (who I also love) saying that he too is there for me to talk to. I swear if they don't end up together forever I will punch a kitten. They have no idea how much happier they've made me over the past few days.

Anyway, didn't really have all the much to say. I've lost one more pound. I just ate an apple and then went for a run.

As I have nothing else to add, I'll show you the dress that I will one day own;

Isn't it beautiful? Dear god it's the most sexually attractive piece of material I have ever seen.  I will also wear it with this amazing Graffiti ring;

Inspo.

The reason that I decided to start a blog is to use it as a type of therapy, like a diary, somewhere to get all of my thoughts down. So, considering how "emo" my last post sounded, this is going to be a happy entry, starting with explaining who my inspirations are.
Firstly, this man.

 

Patrick Vaughn Stump.

He is one of the, if not the most talented in my opinion, musicians in the world. He has an incredible voice, he can play what seems to be every instrument ever & he is a really fucking nice person. So, if you don't know anything about him, he was the shy lead singer of Fall Out Boy who became depressed when they got mega-famous. Following the band going on hiatus in 2009 he disappeared from the face of the music world, only to return a while later after shedding 60 pounds (60 bloody pounds!!) and having the courage to write, produce and preform an entire solo album. I am so proud of everything that he's done, going from being so unsure of himself and taking a back seat as front man of a colossal band to an incredible solo artist is amazing.

My second inspiration;

Lindsey Way 

(had to sneak in a bit of her equally inspiring husband.)

She's an incredible artist who uses intricate paper designs, the bassist for a slightly controversial band as well as being a wife and mother. She battled her way in a music industry when fellow bands would be derogatory towards her and fellow band mate Kitty for being female, naturally she took none of it and gave them all a piece of her mind. She believes in doing what you want to do, not what you're told to do. Being 'famous' has led to her getting abuse such as being called 'fat', 'whore', 'slut' etc., despite this however she never gave in to the pressure of losing weight just because people were using it to insult her with. No, with her gorgeous hourglass figure and super sexy thighs (a personal favorite), she is exactly what every woman should be.

Anyway, they're my main two specific weight loss inspirations, but general inspirations mainly include bands; mainly Panic! at The Disco, My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy, simply for how amazing they all are as people.

On another note I am off school today because, 1.) I didn't sleep until 3am. 2.) I slept in. & 3.) I keep having sickening stomach cramps. I always worry that I'm not in school enough, but sometimes it's just so hard to go, not even physically, but mentally. Sometimes people just need some time off and, especially due to horrible teenage hormones, it would be nice if schools appreciated that not everyone has the same level of mental stability.

I need to eat an apple in 20 minutes.

Day 40 - And oh how much has changed.

I say much has changed, what I really mean is everything has gotten a whole lot worse as well as a mild sight better.

Let me begin.

Today marked day 40 of my...what do I call it? Diet? Obsession? I don't know.
All I know is that ever since I started writing down every single calorie that I put into my mouth into my small blue book I have been obsessing over it, to the point of crying if my mother insists on me eating anything more, of panicking and breaking down if any meal has over 500 calories.
Sure, since I started I have lost a much needed to lose 15 pounds, but with the mental anguish I am even more of a mess than I was before I lost any weight.
For 40 days I have been eating about 1,500 calories a day, (an alright amount so stick to, after all an adult needs approx. 2000 to maintain their weight, and for the size that I am it would only be justified by me eating about 4000 a day.) due to this weight should just drop off, right?

Wrong.

For the first week I lost almost 9 pounds, then? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero. For 20 fucking days. Every single day sticking to it exactly, constantly paranoid, weighing myself every time I went upstairs, sometimes 4 times in a row, eventually having to hide the scales in the conservatory (which only lasted a day because I couldn't bear it.)
It was horrible to say the least.

Eventually I decided if nothing was happening perhaps I needed to change my eating times, which thankfully worked. See, I was eating a small breakfast (2 pieces of crustless toast with tuna, only 50 calories per piece + 115 for the tuna) a sandwich for lunch and then waiting 7 hours until my mother got home for dinner, by which time I was moody, on the verge of crying and read to start a fight with anyone, causing me to eat a fair amount for tea instead of throughout the day.

So now I eat the same amount of calories, except spread out throughout the day, breakfast (still tuna on toast), apple at break time, apple and pretzels or sesame seed snaps for lunch, sandwich when I get home, early less that 500 calorie tea and then a snack of 97 calorie squares and a 134 calorie Aero Mousse in the evening. The best thing to come out of this is probably the fact that I can only eat about half of what I used to, tonight managing to eat a piece and a half of chicken for tea because I liked the chicken better than the rice, ate it all, over-estimated how much I could eat and ended up not able to eat any rice.

I have friends with eating problems. I'm not comparing myself to them because I'm a whole different kettle of fish, but I'm scared. I'm scared of telling anyone of how I have memorized over 100 foods calorie count, I'm scared that one of them is going to find my little blue book and read the back of every single page that religiously has every day's weight scribbled down on the back, I'm worried that because I'm not thin like them that they wouldn't even believe how depressed I get every single time I'm alone with my own thoughts.

For example, about 30 minutes ago a friend who I'm convinced doesn't even have a legitimate ED said (when I asked him about who he left school early and he replied with 'cramps') "No offense love, you don't even understand, you don't have an eating disorder, you wouldn't know what it's like." After he said this I asked him what it was; ana? mia? EDNOS? I practically live on Tumblr's thinspo pages. (that's how vile I am. I know how horrible it is and yet I'm still looking.) I said something perfectly correct and he told me to 'do some proper research.' Wow. Thanks. Just because I'm fat means I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about? Fine.

Do I deserve to feel so exiled? I don't know. One friend would never understand, one is suffering in her own way and pushing others away, one is too busy with other things, and the rest I'm just scared to talk to about anything.

I don't mention anything of my life outside of school to my 'friends', how my grandfather is beyond help and we're just waiting, how my grandmother who is the most amazing woman in the world has to live with him being abusive while dealing with a crippled life, how my sister is a manic depressive and threatens to kill herself every other day, how my mother gets so angry with everything that I'm the only on she can shout at, how much I hate myself a little bit more everyday and can't really handle school or exams.

Yep, everything has gotten a whole lot worse as well as a mild sight better. Apart for the 'mild sight better' part.